Patience.

Hey guess what I worked on this week? You got it....Patience. Now, I'd just like to preface this with saying that I am in no means a patient person. Whenever I decide something I want done right then and there. I get frustrated very easily, especially when I can't understand something or when things don't go my way. So as you can imagine, I was a little nervous about this week as I prayed for Heavenly Father to teach me patience! BUT I learned quite a lot about patience, not only from the Preach My Gospel description but also from my personal experience with trying to develop this Christlike attribute.

First off, I read about Patience in PMG and let me tell ya, that description is GOLD. Gold, I tell you. I didn't know there were so many ways to be patient. In fact, I'm just going to quote the entire section because its just that good. 

"Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. It is the ability to do God’s will and accept His timing. When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully. Patience is related to hope and faith—you must wait for the Lord’s promised blessings to be fulfilled.

You need patience in your everyday experiences and relationships, especially with your companion. You must be patient with all people, yourself included, as you work to overcome faults and weaknesses."

I'd like to think that I'd have patience in my trials. To be honest, I don't think I've ever had a huge trial before that required me to practice patience to a large degree. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much, I cannot deny it. So it was nice to read about that aspect of patience but I couldn't really apply it to my life currently. But I'll definitely keep it in mind for future trials. 

SO what I really want to focus on right now is how I tried to be more patient with myself and others this week. Along with being impatient, I am also very sensitive sometimes. I may have mentioned this before but I get offended pretty darn easily too. I'm AM improving though! In fact, I learned a while back in my Book of Mormon class about the letter Moroni wrote to Pahoran and if you don't recall this particular story, here's a refresher. Okay so basically, Moroni and his armies are struggling while fighting the Lamanites and Moroni thinks that Pahoran has deserted him and their cause for liberty. He then writes Pahoran a very scathing and pretty offensive letter attacking Pahoran's righteousness and challenging him as a leader of God. But what Moroni doesn't know is that Pahoran is dealing with problems of his own--namely his own people fighting and causing so much trouble that Pahoran is unable to aid the armies. Instead of making Moroni feel bad for wrongly accusing him of being a traitor pretty much, Pahoran simply states, "It mattereth not. I am not angry but do rejoiceth in the greatness of your heart." What. A. Stud. This is one of my favorite verses in the entire Book of Mormon and I think it is one of the greatest examples of patience. Pahoran simply forgave Moroni. He chose not to be offended and instead he chose to have patience. It is my goal to be more like Pahoran. I will CHOOSE not to be offended but instead look at people like I know the Savior would. He suffered so much and yet He had so much patience and loved everyone,  even those who hurt Him.

You also need to be patient with yourself. I struggled this week with not doing so hot on an Anatomy test and with not feeling good about myself physically (in other words I ate all the junk food in the world and didn't exercise at all). I was getting so frustrated that I wasn't smarter, that I didn't have fantastic self-control, and just ultimately becoming more and more frustrated that I kept making so many darn mistakes. But guess what, I'm not perfect. I know that. I need to have patience with myself and realize that even if I did bad on a test, it's not the end of the world. All that matters is that I did my best and I did. Even if I wasn't healthy for a week, guess what--there's the next week and the next and the next! The big decision here is whether or not to have patience with myself and work through my weaknesses instead of giving up. 

I already know that I will struggle with patience when I become a missionary. It will be hard for me to feel that I'm working hard enough, especially if an investigator is struggling with accepting the gospel and eventually falls back into sin. It will be hard for me to feel that I am competent enough in speaking the language and teaching others. I just need to have patience and know that I can do anything through the Lord. He can make me whole and He can mold me into the person He needs me to become if I let Him. I will work now to develop patience in all aspects of my life. I am grateful for the examples of patience in the scriptures (*cough cough* Pahoran-the-stud) and I hope to having their amount of patience someday. 

Knowledge.

This week I focused on the Christ-like attribute of knowledge. One of my favorite scriptures I found while studying was from Doctrine and Covenants. It states, “That ye may be prepared in all things when I shall send you again to magnify the calling where unto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you.”  This scripture feels especially directed towards me, especially at this point of my life! There is so much I need to learn before I go on my mission. I need to practice speaking Spanish and thankfully I have a fluent roommate who has volunteered to help me. I bought a copy of the Book of Mormon in Spanish and I hope to be able to read it and better learn the language that way too. I am also preparing for my mission as I participate in my Mission Prep class and study from Preach My Gospel. But most importantly, I am trying to read the Book of Mormon prayerfully in order to receive personal revelation. I learned this week that the best way to receive knowledge is by the Holy Spirit. For my Book of Mormon class we were assigned to pray before we did our daily reading that we may feel the Holy Spirit and write down things we feel impressed to.  This made scripture reading a lot more meaningful more for me. It also helped me to apply the principles and teachings found within the scriptures to my life. I have a testimony that if you ask, the Holy Spirit will guide you as you read the scriptures and help you recognize principles that you need to learn to succeed and grow spiritually in life. It’s incredible to me all the knowledge Heavenly Father is willing to bless us with! All we need to do is ask! I used to never ask for revelation or special knowledge, not because I didn’t have enough faith, but because I thought that I wasn’t worth Heavenly Father’s time or effort. Now I know this is completely wrong and that God really does want to bless us and give us unforgettable spiritual experiences. It is my goal to pray more and pray more meaningfully before I read my scriptures. I know that there is a lot I have to learn before my mission, before I can teach others about the gospel. But I know that if I ask, Heavenly Father will guide me through the Holy Spirit and help me recognize what I need to know. 

Sunday Songs

I'm always lacking in the appropriate-for-Sunday song department so here are some "modern" songs that I love to listen to and that still invite the Spirit.

We Are---Kari Jobe

I Can Only Imagine---MercyMe

I Must Have Loved You Before---Nashville Tribute Band (My wedding song, by the way)

You Raise Me Up---Josh Groban (prepare to cry)

Bridge Over Troubled Water---David Archuleta (The man I'm going to marry. Jk. Well, sort of.)

Come Thou Fount---Chris Rice (the only hymn I'll listen to over and over and over)

Savior, Redeemer of My Soul---Dallyn Vail Bayles (also prepare to cry to, well, more like BAWL).

Blessings---Laura Story
What Faith Can Do---Kutless 

I'll probably keep adding to this list as I continue to find more Sunday gems, but for now this playlist will do.

Virtue.

This week I tried to work on developing the Christ-like attribute of virtue. As I was searching the scriptures, I came across a verse in Doctrine and Covenants that became my "theme" this week as I thought about instances where I have exhibited virtue or could exhibit more virtue in my life. In Chapter 121, verse 46 it states that if you have virtue, "The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion..." The part about the Holy Spirit being my constant companion really struck me. I thought about times in my life where I have not been virtuous, where I have not thought clean or uplifting thoughts, where I have not allowed the Spirit to dwell with me. And now that I think about it, during those dark times of my life, I didn't even have a desire to be virtuous. I settled with being "pretty good." It didn't bother me when I listened to songs with swear words, it didn't bother me when I did homework on Sundays, it didn't even bother me when I forgot to pray in the morning. But now, those things do bother me. Ever since I've come to Brigham Young University I have started to become (slowly, very slowly) a better person. Especially as my mission grows closer, I have realized that who I am is NOT good enough. I need to be worthy and close to the Spirit and my Heavenly Father not only for me, but for those people who I will serve. They deserve someone who is righteous and who is not a hypocrite. I need to have been practicing the things I will teach investigators about. Time and time again, I learn in Mission Prep that we cannot teach others the Savior's words until we first learn and practice His word (D&C 11:21). This semester I have been trying SO hard to follow Christ's teachings and follow the commandments and the words of the Prophet Thomas S. Monson. Now, I feel horrible whenever I forget to say my morning prayers. I can't go long before I have to stop and say a prayer, even if I'm in a class. And I am so grateful for that.
This week I have tried extra hard to be close to the Spirit. On Sunday, I fasted and was able to meet with the Stake President to send in my mission papers. I prayed so hard all that day that everything would go well and that I would be found worthy. After  I found out my papers were sent in, I prayed long and fervently that the Lord would remember me and inspire the member of the Quorum of the Twelve who would make my call, that he would feel the Spirit and know where I would be able to best serve. On Wednesday, we were learning about personal revelation in Mission Prep class and I felt an impression that I should go to the temple later that day (I'm still pretty proud of that). I kind of brushed it off because I knew I was already planning on going with my roommates the next day and I had a lot off homework to do, but I went anyway. Nothing incredible happened when I went (I mean, I didn't see angels or anything), but my call was made the next day so maybe Heavenly Father was preparing me spiritually for that experience. I feel very blessed to be at a point in my life where I can receive revelation and feel prompted to act on them.  I'm still not very good at recognizing all of Heavenly Father's spiritual promptings but I'm definitely improving and I hope to be completely confident by the time I go on a mission. I'm grateful for the Spirit in my life and I will continue to work hard every day to be virtuous and worthy of the Spirit's presence.

On a side note: The next day, I went to the temple again and the minute I stepped into the lobby of the temple, I received a text from my Bishop saying my mission call was made! I'm so excited and I can't wait to find out where the Lord decided to send me!

Charity and Love.

This week I studied the Christ-like attribute of love and attempted to implement charity into my daily life. I learned through multiple scriptures that charity is the pure love of Christ and that we should "pray unto the Father with all energy of heart, that [we] may be filled with this love" (Moroni 7;48). That specific scripture really impacted me. I never thought of charity as a gift, something that I could ask for.

 I decided to take the challenge and earnestly pray every day that I might be able to have this love for others. Now, I won't even try to convince you that I'm even close to having as much love as the Savior or Heavenly Father does. I get annoyed by people pretty easily and I'm more sensitive than I would like to admit (what a great combination). But I tried really hard this week to look at others and try to see them as Christ would. As I walked to class I looked at the people around me (I tried not to be too creepy about it, I promise) and tried to see them as my brother or sister. Whenever someone did something that bothered me, I tried to ignore it and I tried not to think negative thoughts about them (which is a LOT harder to do). Like in Anatomy Lab when this girl accidentally sprayed me in the face with formaldehyde (the stuff you spray on cadavers) and laughed about it, I was pretty darn annoyed. In fact, I may have glared at her very condescendingly. I think she sensed my stare of shame because she got quiet very quickly and stopped smiling.  I know this is a dumb story but I really felt bad about the way I had reacted and the things I had thought in my head. It was a tiny accident and I reacted horribly. But thankfully, this experience has inspired me to have more patience and try to look for ways I can feel more love for others.

Another aspect of charity that I tried to work on (and am still working on) is not judging or comparing myself to others. One of my favorite quotes is "compare and despair." How true is that! How can you feel love for yourself if you keep comparing your looks, your grades, your possessions to others? It will only make you feel pride for how much "better" you are or feel embarrassed for all the things you lack or can't measure up to. Now don't get me wrong, a little friendly competition doesn't hurt anybody. My roommate and I constantly compete to get better grades in the classes we share. Yes, it can be frustrating sometimes but ultimately it helps us to work and study harder. It's fun and we always support each other. You tread on dangerous ground, however, when your self worth depends on how much better you are than someone. Nothing good can come from that. The only thing you should be focused on is your abilities and doing the best with the talents and opportunities you have. I have a testimony that by doing this, you will not only love yourself more, but you will also love others more.

As a missionary, one of the most important things I hope to develop is charity. Undoubtedly, I will be teaching the gospel to people who may be "buried under a mountain of sin" as my Mission Prep teacher would say. I want to be able to look at them as Christ would and feel compassion and hope for them. I want to be able to feel so much love for them that I work hard  every day to help them overcome their trials and things that are preventing them from accepting and becoming a member of the this true church. As a matter of fact, I don't know how its even possible to be an effective missionary if you don't have charity. How are you supposed to teach someone about Christ if you aren't trying to be like him? How can you feel the Spirit's promptings if you're too busy judging your investigators? How can you effectively teach if your mind is occupied with things that bother you about your companion. It's not possible. I hope that when the time comes, I will not give into these temptations. My goal is to improve more and more each day not only so I can be a great missionary, but that I may also become closer to my Savior. And by doing so, I hope that one day, I can say without hesitation that I love all of God's children.